Majik Most – Molesting Hiphop – Yo, I know it’s street to act like you’re a hardened criminal, but somehow I don’t think “child molester” is really what you want to shoot for. Especially with your snorkel and barely-past-puberty facial hair. Bonus points for the completely inappropriate Ernie and Bert cameo.
A.P.9 – The Grinch – The Photoshop quality on this one is better than normal, but it keeps you asking the question: is Jim Carrey’s Grinch really something you want to build a rap identity around? Is A.P.9. working on a Cat in the Hat mixtape next?
Top Dog – Slam Dunkin’ Hoes – I love the ones that are just super literal. Your album’s called Slam Dunkin’ Hoes? Let’s just put your ass on the cover slam dunking a hoe. No, you don’t actually have to do it, they have this thing called Photoshop and I can just – aw, let me just show you. And then Top Dog was all like “PERFECT!”
Spank Rock And Benny Blanco - Bangers And Cash – Okay, it’s one thing to pay tribute to 2 Live Crew’s classic As Nasty As They Wanna Be. It’s quite another to put cellulite that nasty on full display. Damn, girl, take some sandpaper to that mess.
South Coast Shorty – The Hot Girl – Seriously? I’d hate to see the ugly girl, if that’s the hot one.
Baby aka #1 Stunna – Birdman – Photoshop is a hell of a tool, man. Do you think they nerds at Adobe in like 1990 when they first released Photoshop 1.0 had any idea that twenty years later people would be using it to create deformed rapper/bird hybrids?
1st Famm – Best Kept Secret – You know, as phony as this dude’s Terminator 2 liquid metal face mask job is, you’ve got to give him props for hiring identical twin bodyguards to protect his pile of gold bars. Oh wait.
Mystikal – Unpredictable – We all know that Mystikal is batcrap crazy anyhow, but this cover really drives the message home. I’M AN EXPLODING JIGSAW PUZZLE! PREDICT THIS! YOU CAN’T!
Big Bear – Doin’ Thangs – This is such a legendary cover that any words I could say about it would be wasted. I just love that instead of the typical pile of bling, we have nuts and berries. This guy lives the gimmick.
M$ Tee – Havin’ Thing$ – Yes, having your grandma’s things. I wouldn’t really brag about that living room set.
Iceberg – Gangsta Rap – Yeah, but if you put a huge gilded frame around it, it’ll be classy. No matter that if you peek you can actually see his ho’s vajayajy.
Sweet P – I Toast Myself – The ontological implications of this image are astonishing. Jesus turned water into wine, but Sweet P can apparently turn cognac into his body and then back into cognac. And then, in theory, he will alco-bang the girl in the ill-fitting denim bikini who got his name tattooed on her titty.
Da Brat – Da Brat – There’s two possible explanations here. One is Photoshop. The other one is that Da Brat actually got a custom painted leotard with images of herself on it. I am pulling so hard for #2 it’s not even funny.
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